Do you make assumptions?

Yesterday I received an email from an ex student. She was upset that I hadn't replied to her email a few weeks back. She expressed all the things that she had done for me in the past, and how upset she was that I had 'cast her aside'.

The truth is I had been delighted to hear from her, and had joyfully emailed her back the same day.

Asumptions can be the death of relationships. We assume how someone else is feeling or thinking by a look, a gesture or a word, and the truth is we are often wrong. In the workplace this can create a high degree of conflict.

These days I try not to assume anything. It's tough because our brain thinks it knows better than we do, and it beavers away stacking up your thoughts and emotions like a squirrel storing winter nuts.

I have learned that it is better to clarify than assume. If someone says or does something that you don't like, ask them to expand. Doing this takes away the myriad of thoughts that you might mull over for the next few hours or days, wondering what the person REALLY meant, and how you could have dealt with it, and how you might deal with it in the future.

Cut to the chase, don't make assumptions and find out the facts {from the person involved - not third party or hearsay} before you start reacting emotionally.

What are your experiences on this? Be great to hear them.

Have a good day

Jan

Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk/
http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/
http://www.helpforcancer.co.uk/

JAN'S PODCAST

Identity - what is it exactly?

Who are you? Or rather who are you behind the labels that currently formulate your identity in the world? Coach, Wife, Accountant, mother, husband? ...the list could be very long.

Just for a moment, I want you to imagine that you have no titles at all. If you were none of those things how would you measure who you are?

If the structure of society fell apart where would that leave you? No computers, no telephones, no gadgets, no money, no jobs! Scary thought! How then, would you define yourself?

I am asking a lot of questions, but I want you to think carefully about them. Because your true identity has nothing to do with what you do in life, and it is because most people think it is that they have problems finding peace with themselves.

You have to get to the core of being good enough with the bare bones of who you are, before you can start hiding behind labels. Knowing yourself is the key to 'happiness' or, at the very least, fulfillment.

I have worked with many clients that lacked confidence. They tell me that they don't understand why they are loved, because they do not see the good in themselves. They worry about people discovering that they are a phoney!

So ask yourself right now, if you were not defined by your job or your family 'position' would you be good enough? Strip down to the core layers and there is nothing left but to be ok with who you are, because there is nothing left to prove. You live, you breath, you feel. This is what people love or like about you. It's an almost indefinable thing that simply exists for all of us.

How do you feel about this? Do you have a story to share with us?

Think on

Jan
Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk/
http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/

PODCAST: http://womenssuccesscoach.podbean.com/

Thinking with the heart

What a great morning! The sun is shining, the snow is melting and at last the horses have grass! We have gone from snowy blizzards to 10 degree sunshine - it has to be England doesn't it.

Yesterday I had a long conversation about how you work out what you want in life. It always amazes me how many people don't have much idea of what they truly want. I have a theory, and I base it on my own experience on this subject.

My theory is that we start off - maybe when we are younger and haven't yet been prodded by life quite so much - knowing exactly what we want. For me, right from as far back as I can remember, it was a farm, with land and equestrian facilities. Somewhere along the line my dream became smaller, and one day I admitted that I didn't feel that I had a hope of achieving it. At the time, I was struggling to pay the bills, unsure of what to do next and a bit lost on my path.

So I think that what happens is that 'life' kind of takes the hope and optimism out of our dreams and, when that occurs, we lose sight of our dreams and then wonder why we don't know what we want any more.

Just imagine you are in a restaurant and absolutely want chocolate cake. You know the chocolate cake is on the menu, it's been there for years, you have it everytime you eat here. But this day, the waiter says, 'sorry madam, we have don't have chocolate cake on the menu anymore'. Shocked and mortified, you look at the dessert menu and, to be honest, there is nothing else on the menu that you want. So how can you be expected to know what you want, when what you desire isn't there? Does that make sense?

If you have taken your dream off the menu, you will spend the rest of your life 'settling' for things that perhaps don't truly resonate with you. Then you feel lost, confused and unsettled.

So what am I saying?
What I am saying is this 'don't give up your dream'. The universe has a way of making things happen, even if right now it looks like a total impossibility. I still can't afford my farm, but I have latched on to my dream again. Because what happens next is that you start to do the things that will attract the opportunities, or people, that will take you closer to your dream. But you have to believe it with all of your heart.

About the heart
I watched a programme at the weekend, about people that had received a heart transplant. They were saying that they seemed to have taken on some of the characteristics of the heart donar. It was amazing to hear their stories. One man had suddenly taken up sports - some high risk - and it turned out his donar was a stuntman. One man had become romantic and started writing poetry, and his donar was a poet. They didn't know these facts until they met the donar families.

Because of these astounding cases, scientists were toying with the idea that, contrary to belief, our emotions are not all stored in our brains, in fact they may be linked with our hearts. If this is true, then what I am saying makes total sense. Think with your heart. Love with your heart. Create with your heart. All of this brain stuff doesn't seem to get us very far half the time anyway, so why not give it a try?

Do you think with your heart or your head, or a balance of the two? Do share your thoughts and experiences here with us.

Take care

Jan

Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk/
http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/

http://www.helpforcancer.co.uk/

JAN'S PODCAST

Snow way!

What an odd time it has been. Ten days of deep snow and now treacherous icy roads this morning. For me, it has created a massive amount of extra work looking after the horses, making sure that they have enough hay to eat, as they can't get to the grass through the knee high snow in their fields.

The strange thing is that only a week before the snow, I had been 'complaining' [whinging] of how much work the horses were, and 'moaning' [looking for as much sympathy as I could get] that I was exhausted from the daily drudge of simply caring for their needs. Now, I would kill to be able to walk on solid ground. Last night, I found a 20' strip of grass during my walk. It was like moon walking. I felt light and without gravity. It felt almost magical, after such a long period of walking like a moron, pulling my heavy legs up like corks out of a bottle as I battled through fresh snow dressed like a Yettie. How much I will appreciate the solid earth when the snow has gone.

The dogs love it, but their daily walk has become my new fitness regime. Normally I run 3 - 4 times a week. Now I snow walk. My hips ache, my calves ache, my thighs ache - need I go on [oh dear, am I looking for sympathy again?]. It takes me 2 hours to walk a 1 hour walk, and I crawl back into the house like a lost wanderer returning from an arctic trip! and desperately seeking chocolate when there is none in the house!

One thing for sure is that I wont be moving to Norway any time soon!

Yesterday I managed to get out in the car [hooray] for the first time for over a week. It took a rusty old shovel, buckets of willpower and sheer determination, but it was good to be with people again and be out of my normal environment. It lifted my spirits and raised my motivation levels.

They say a change is as good as a rest, and this week surely confirms that for me. Doing the same - or similar - things day in a day out, and with little human interaction, can be soul destroying.

Change is necessary, sometimes even if it only serves to make us appreciate what we have. When the snow goes I might just run naked round the garden to celebrate - or maybe not, but I sure will take the time to enjoy how wonderful it is to be able to move [whilst I still can!]

What were your experiences with the snow?

Jan
Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk/
http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/
http://www.helpforcancer.co.uk/

JAN'S PODCAST

Reality Check

I am sitting here writing this in front of a log fire, tucked up on the settee with two curled up sleeping dogs and with my laptop on my knees. As I look out into the garden, it is a shock every time to see two feet of glaringly white snow staring back at me.

It's been a strange week. We woke to heavy snow on Monday morning, and I haven't been out in the world at all. My days have consisted of looking after the horses - much more work in this weather as they need extra food and care - compiling audio on my web sites and creating podcasts, as well as my day to day writing. I am currently rewriting 'Life Coach in your pocket' so that I can build the programme into a CD package. Exciting! But hard work!

I usually work freelance for a client on a Tuesday, but couldn't go this week because of the weather . It would have been madness to try! At first he was ok about me not going, but last night he called me at 9:30pm, panicking because I hadn't been able to get there, not quite believing how bad it is in our village, which is on top of a big hill. Its a 9 mile cross country route and would be suicide for me to attempt it. I don't even think I would get the car off the slope on the drive at this point.

I realised how easy I personally had found it to had let go of what I thought I HAD to do this week, and how wonderful it was to just go with the flow of things, adapting to the circumstances.

Yesterday [Thursday] I took a day off. I had worked at the weekend and felt utterly exhausted by my absolute focus on my project. I took the dogs for a two hour walk, drank tea, ate toast and watched TV. Wow, did I feel better the next day!

It reminds me how our brains are hard wired to live within a routine, and how people can become increasingly worried or frustrated when their plans are thwarted.

Is anything that important that it can't be changed? It is fun to challenge the way that your brain works, by just refusing to go along with what it normally expects of you. The brain can be quite parental sometimes, and so how cool is it to just be a kid and play the rebellious teenager.

So, if you are snowed in and can't do what you planned to do, make a decision to enjoy what you can do, even if that is just having a cuddle with the cat. Time out is good for the body and soul, and a refreshed mind works so much better.

Take care and look to the spring!

Jan
Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk
/http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/
http://www.helpforcancer.co.uk/

JAN'S PODCAST

One step at a time

A few weeks ago, after hurting my arm - suspected torn ligaments - floor wrestling a 15 stone hulk during combat training - I couldn't do my weekly Aikido training, nor could I cycle my 2 hour 30 mile slog on a Saturday morning with Cheltenham County Cycling Club. So I decided to take up running to maintain and possibly increase my fitness.

I tried running a few years back but had problems with my ankle, and I wasn't very good at it. But, this time something had changed. At first I didn't recognise what that something was, as I shuffled up the road, puffing and pushing my resistant legs.

Two nights ago I managed to break my pattern of walk - run - walk and ran the whole 2 miles, which is no mean feat as it is a long 3/4 mile slog up a stiff hill out of the village. My beautiful dog Ellie running by my side, the Ipod pounding the right rhythmic beats into my brain, I began to feel as if running was becoming a moving meditation.

When you decide to step up, it is normal to encounter some resistant. The urge to stop was soooo strong. Hastily flicking on to my most motivational tracks on the ipod, I started talking to myself. Soon I was repeating a mantra.....

'step by step, one foot in front of the other - if I can do this step I can do the next step'

I kept repeating it, and soon I was flying down the hill towards home. Ellie galloped alongside me, her ears flapping in the wind. It felt good. As I zoomed into the gate, I hit my stop watch and was astonished to see I had beaten my best time by two minutes. Doesn't sound a lot, but it is.

That evening I thought about my mantra as a metaphor for business. Isn't this the thing we have to do in our businesses? No matter whether you are a sole trader or a huge corporation you can only move 'step by step' - Businesses grow from applying well considered strategies, creative thinking and by taking massive action 'One foot in front of the other'

We all need support along the way. I count myself to be very lucky on that score, but we have to build our foundations with the bricks and mortar of our own self beliefs. No one can do it for us - 'If I can do this step, I can do the next step'.

Over the last few days, I have seen opportunities that I think I maybe wouldn't have seen before, been given some tools for growth and feel more excited and motivated than I have so far this year. Just from that one mantra!

Life is about capturing important moments, seizing the meaning behind the apparently nondescript events.

Look out for great opportunities waiting just round the corner for you and tell us about your successes.

Take care

Jan
Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk/
http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/
http://www.helpforcancer.co.uk/

JAN'S PODCAST

Ending the drama

I think it was Shakespeare that said, 'All the worlds a stage and all the people are actors upon it', or words to that effect. After some years of daily meditation, I am beginning to understand the concept of this. Everyone is in the drama at some stage - if not all - of their lives.

I am a great fan of 'Scrubs', which is a comedy based in a hospital, currently on E4. In one episode Doctor Cox said 'Even though we are helping these people to get well, we are just delaying the end of the story, which is death' or words to that effect. It is the one great universal truth. We are all at some point going to die. And yet we continue day by day to play the drama.

We play the emotional role, swinging from one emotional state to another; joy to depression, anger to harmony and happiness to misery. None of it makes any sense! Then we play the career drama and the success drama, where we all struggle and strive to be better than we are [right now] so we can earn more money, get a better style of life, be free and live the way we want. But none of that is real anyway, because it is only money that makes this 'game' possible. If we lived in caves and hunted large hairy animals every day, we would only need to think about getting the next meal - and that would be it.

How much more simple would that be? Did prehistoric man have problems with confidence and self esteem, or is this only the drama born out of modern society? I suspect that prehistoric man just got on with things and didn't worry about what others thought of him.

You don't have to be a part of the drama of life. It is your choice as to whether you play the 'game' or not. Most people live a pretty boring life, and the drama is a cheap option for sparking it up a bit.

But as one moves towards enlightenment, one realises that happiness really does come from within and is enhanced by the simpleness of life. I find joy in watching spring lambs and new born calves boinging around the fields. We have snowdrops in the village today. How wonderful is that? Spring is so close, you can almost smell it and the birds sound different. Wonder if they get S.A.D?

Next time you are about to lose the plot, become upset, uptight, stressed or worried just think to yourself that this drama is all inside your head. You can make a definitive choice not to experience this in the same way, and just by making that choice you will not have to play a part in it. I can tell you that it is liberating, it's fun and it prevents a whole lot of unnecessary heartache.

Jan
Tel: 0800 634 3320
http://www.womenssuccesscoach.co.uk/
http://www.thepeoplewhisperers.co.uk/
http://www.helpforcancer.co.uk/

JAN'S PODCAST